Final Fantasy Versus XIII Fanfic- Storm Versus Skirt Girl

[OmiVersusXIV]

This is just part 1 of my fanfic.It is about what happens during and after the

trailer between the "Prince" and "Skirt Girl".I hope you all enjoy it and please

dontput that much negative commnets.


P.S. Thanks Naunen for the "Prince's" clothing description couldnt have done this fic withoutyour help.


The silent utopia that was the dark city. The city streets were empty and in ruins.

Whoever was out there could just see the tall skyscraper like gates around the city

and the moon that was lit around the night sky. There were no cars,no people,no

animals,nothing.

But somewhere in that city, a beautiful blond haired woman was wondering around.

She wore a white top covering a black under shirt along with a three tiered bushy

skirt and black leather boots. She was walked slowly down a road to the castle

were her former lover Storm ruled his city from. Her skirt was airing by the wind,

which could be heard.

She stopped for a moment and looked behind her and saw him, Storm, the last heir

to the throne and protecter of the last Crystal. He wore a long leather jacket

tailored but wasnt tight to his build with fire like designs on his shoulders, his

sleeves of his jacket ended just past his biceps, the collar stood up to about his

mouth, his loose fitting pants were worn with his hems pushed up by his boots,

makling it look baggy, his leather shin length boots fit comfortably around his ankles

and appeared plain while the laces were tied around the boots starting with the

second row of grommets and weaving through the other grommets. He wore leather

gloves that loosely cover less than half his forearms, fastening around the wrists to

the back of them with a strap and buckle.

His crimson eyes and bluish silver hair glew from the moonlight glaring at him. His

right hand was beginning to wrap around the handle of his engine sword. Pulling it

from its off state he then walked a few steps towards her as he stood in a

defensive position. He began gripping his sword tighter and tighter,and feeling

began to feel an uncomfortable vibe from his former lover whose name he didnt

dare to speak.

"You know i cannot let you pass into castle gates,turn back now, or suffer the

wrath of its crystal's protecter." said Storm in a serious tone. His words were dark,

but it didnt scare her one bit, after saying his words he waited to hear or see what

she would do, being in a defense position it wouldve been hard for her to attack

him anyway. The girl slowly pulled her purple bladed rapier that materilized fromthe

air around her. She raised the rapier front of her face,as she turned herself to him.

She gazed at Storm, as he was her former lover.

"We finally meet again my beloved."

With no more words to say, She cast an orange symbol behind her and her eyes

began to glow a darkish purple as she looked fiercly at her former lover.The symbol

had some ancients markings, as she was concentrate to it. With her left hand

stretched, she pointed at Storm and a wave of fire was coming towards him.

TO BE CONTINUED......

[Pulse]

The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job.

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

[OmiVersusXIV]

Originally Posted by Pulse

The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job.

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

thanks I'll do better next time because this is my first fan-fic and all but thanks for the comments.

[BUTTCHEEKIES, OOH]

^No offense or anything, but using the excuse "it's me first fanfic! :^D" for shitty grammar is moot and completely void. Grammar should be general knowledge.

Anyway yeah, it's okay. May I suggest you get yourself a beta.

[Bun]

I'm up for a beta read if you want one. You definitely need some work on this. I agree with Buttcheecks. It's important to know the rules of grammar and spelling, the foundations, before constructing a story. So if you're interested, I'm here.

[Naunen]

Originally Posted by Pulse

The idea is ok. You're grammar is not. The sentence structure is terrible. But other than that, nice job.

EDIT : 'casted a orange symbol' should be... cast an orange symbol.

----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different.

Omi! Perhaps some structuring? I can't read it at all since it's all blocked up and I'm kind of a... sorta dyslexic person in that I prefer double-spacing. >.>;...

Also... "Storm"?!

[Tina]

Your efforts are admirable, however the red seriously kills my eyes...I don't care if you use that color in your regular posts but applying them to a lengthly fanfic is ominous.

You know, the line "We finally meet again my beloved," gave me goosebumps

Good job overall, don't give up.

[OmiVersusXIV]

Originally Posted by Naunen

----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different.

Omi! Perhaps some structuring? I can't read it at all since it's all blocked up and I'm kind of a... sorta dyslexic person in that I prefer double-spacing. >.>;...

Also... "Storm"?!

alright i kinda fixed it up for you guys,hopefully you guys can read it.

[Bun]

Let me say sorry right off the bat, because this isn't going to be pretty. D:

(Don't take it too personal, though)!

Okay, I just went through it and let me point out right off the bat: sentence fragments and grammar! You begin your story with two fragments, and to be honest, it's not even all that good of a hook. That's something you need to work on as well, reeling in your audience from the beginning. Right now it's rather blasé and uninspiring, and doesn't have any real flow.

Then you jump into 2 character descriptions which aren't even that great, so I feel more like I'm reading a manual than being given the tools to create an image of the characters in my mind (does that make any sense?)

Since it's so short, I can't really say much other than you need to work on your grammar, flow and description; even the dialogue feels very stiff.

[Pulse]

Originally Posted by Naunen

----Hey, Pulse. "You're" and "your" are different.

I was trying to be sarcastic, because he does it several times within his story, lol. I was sure I put it in bold. Oh well.

Your right Naunen. Your right.

(Yes i know its you're im not dumb) LOL

Josh x

[Flames Of Oblivion]

except for the grammer problems I like it ^^

[OmiVersusXIV]

Originally Posted by Flames Of Oblivion

except for the grammer problems I like it ^^

thanks i normally do better on paper not computer.

[Shurelia]

I like your story and the name is Storm too?Never mind I like if the protagonist's name is Storm.
I wouldn't comment about your grammar, since I'm not good at it.Anyway great job!

[Gaia]

Hmm, I actually like the the idea of continuing from the trailer- even though I have not seen a trailer with the skirt-girl in it yet. But, I'm sure a lot of people have said before me, there are some grammar issues. I'm a computer person. I type all of my stories on my PC since my handwritting is atrociousbut I guess typing isn't best for everyone. Did you type this on word? Its an alright start so far but I'm sure you can do things to improve it.

-Gaia

[AnimeGirlPrincess]

The story plot is good but you started kind of fast....

No offense. You started good with the description of the city and then suddenly! Stella pops into the picture. The description of her is very short and to the point, good for a short story but if you want to make a lengthy then I suggest the "aura" surrounding her, or her "mysteriousiness".

Then you topped it off with Noctis, which is very fast for a fanfiction. Again no offense, your description of his clothes is very detailed, unlike Stella's. Do we even know what he looks like besides his "clothes"? We already know but try to think about the other readers who don't.

Overall your story is good, try slowing down a little.

Stella and Noctis? *shiver*