As many of you may know, at the beginning of the year and against my most strenuous objections, my parents dropped our ISP of the last 10 years and went to Optus (hereafter referred to as 'the arseholes', 'SatanTel', 'Kony2013' or any other epithet I think up). Since then we have had nothing but trouble with our internet.
1. It's slow. Like, only slightly faster than when we were capped by our previous ISP, slow. When we rung up to complain tonight, they made us do a speed test ON THEIR SITE that claimed we were 1000 kb/s (kb, not mb, because it looks bigger and more impressive, further proof in my mind that they only make money by exploiting people who don't know any better). 10 minutes later (I had to wait because the modem decided to drop out), on the same computer, speedtest.net gave us 0.31mb/s as a maximum, twice. The ping improved the second time but nothing else did. Helpline claims the problem is on our end, either with our computers or our phones.
My mother, who was doing the talking because I would have laughed too much, told them at the beginning that our default browser was Firefox and asked it that was okay, they told her to open IE. I presume this is because IE is what's written on their little worksheet because really guys?
2. It drops out constantly. Last provider? Wi-fi coverage all over the house, plus a fair bit outside, no worries. This turdshitcock? Drops out regularly. In fact, it disconnects constantly. Not just wifi, even the cable fails. When you're trying to upload an assignment before a deadline, this is extremely irritating. When you're bored and trying to find something to do that can distract you from the sounds of the Dick van Dyke Show blaring out of your lounge room, it is homicidal-maniac-making.
3. When it does connect, or claims it has, it will even more frequently restrict me to LAN only. No internet for Claire, no can do. Again, I can trace this problem as far as the modem being a piece of shit. It's a case of frequently resetting it and hoping that, this time, it'll work.
BUT IT'S ALL AT OUR END, RIGHT OPTUS? YEAAAAHH THAT'S RIGHT.
As an example of what I have to cope with every time I come online, I spent 40 minutes from 8pm onwards just trying to get even the text on this
page to load.
First the signal dropped out and there was 20 minutes of 'Oh! There it is! Connect! ... shit, it's gone again.' Then there was another 20 minutes of LAN ONLY, aww okay you can have the internet. Just kidding! You can't. Loser.
I can't remember the last time a youtube video loaded all the way for me. Here's my deep, dark, dirty secret: all those videos you guys link in the chatbox? I only ever watch about the first 20 seconds of those, because that's all that will load for me before we move onto something else.
Please help me prepare my defence for the next call to Optus.