I was writing...

[steeld]

well i started writing on something... I'd to know the opinion of you guys... about 3 pages long, and im improving it everyday.... if it sucks or something please just say so...

[DIONYZA]

This is really good...how it connects everything that is real and unreal; it makes me wonder if this is real or just imagination. The character referred to a "she” made me want to continue reading since I am unsure who this character is, I hope I didn't miss her identity. I hope you put more on because the ending of chapter 1 was so enticing and when a book finishes a chapter with a powerful subject like you did…I can’t help but want to read more. Nice work…I hope you are still working on this. :Þ

[Misschoco]

Brilliant story, great first person narrative and the perspective of the character seems damn interesting.The story isn't elaborate in details but thats what made it so great and sparked my curiosity to know more.There was a good sense of an atmosphere so overall I loved it I used to write short stories but my motivations been waining, after reading your story my motivation has finally aroused :P

[steeld]

who said it was a shirt story?? :| :P :D
and thank you... it makes me feel embarrassed.... i;ll update a newer version as soons as possible,,

[Misschoco]

who said it was a shirt story?? :| :P :D

lol not yours,I used to write stories but mine were short ones :cookie:

[Thimien]

not bad, looks like theres still alot to write.. bring out that imagination.

[SirBaron]

well i started writing on something... I'd to know the opinion of you guys... about 3 pages long, and im improving it everyday.... if it sucks or something please just say so...
It is awesome. For how long have you been writing stories like this one?

[steeld]

uhh this is the first one haha, i'll write more this night or tomorrow =)

[steeld]

alright so i updated it....

[SirBaron]

Very good. Is it a love story?

[steeld]

uhmm partly... you could say it has a bit of everything... it's gonna have some major twists ^^"

[BloodMoonEmpress]

Write more I am dieing to know what happens next! it is really good though and I agree with DIONYZA (http://forums.finalfantasy-xiii.net/member.php?u=832) as to I am not sure whether its fiction or real. Very good though. :D

[Devious]

It's pretty good. Let me just give some friendly critisism ;D

1. I think too much detail is put on irrelevant things like how he brushes his teeth or
going to work. Also, nothing seems to be connected, each event just seems like a seperate matter.

2. The story tends to get repetitive. You describe him going to work three times, showering two times, and sleeping several times, which is a little excessive, especially when they have no bearing on the plot.

3. Lastly, your choice of vocabulary is questionable. Many words you used were rather plain and anti-climatic, and really took away from the building suspense, phrases like "got home" could be made more attractive by replacing it with "arrived home" or "returned home." Also, putting "then" as the first word of two consecutive senteces during the most suspenseful part of the story is kind of a downer. "Then I saw a red flash. Then for some odd reason instinct got the better hand of me" :P

Sorry, I'm just really hard to please. D: However, it has potential to be an awesome story.

[steeld]

It's pretty good. Let me just give some friendly critisism ;D

1. I think too much detail is put on irrelevant things like how he brushes his teeth or
going to work. Also, nothing seems to be connected, each event just seems like a seperate matter.

2. The story tends to get repetitive. You describe him going to work three times, showering two times, and sleeping several times, which is a little excessive, especially when they have no bearing on the plot.

3. Lastly, your choice of vocabulary is questionable. Many words you used were rather plain and anti-climatic, and really took away from the building suspense, phrases like "got home" could be made more attractive by replacing it with "arrived home" or "returned home." Also, putting "then" as the first word of two consecutive senteces during the most suspenseful part of the story is kind of a downer. "Then I saw a red flash. Then for some odd reason instinct got the better hand of me" :P

Sorry, I'm just really hard to please. D: However, it has potential to be an awesome story.


i'll revise the vocab, thanks for the feedback.
it's supposed to be detailed, remember this is a first-person-perspective story. and you're point 2 is important....
what i am focussing on is giving him character, i want the readers to really know him, but also at the same type make him a bit mysterious. character development will be a very big focus/part of this story...
the detailness is explained by the main character, you can see what he focusses on, what he thinks about, what he sees he finds relevant enough to mention. this will gradually change as the story progresses... so for now i can only work on your point 3, im gratefull for your thought =D

[steeld]

Massive update!