Jokes

[Devious]

I desire amusement. Post your funniest/cleverest jokes here. No puns plz. Or stupid ones.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
On his sheet were simply the words "What chair?"

[Fenristh]

You said no stupid jokes. CONTRADICTION. That joke was rather bad. Seriously, how was that even a joke?

[Nagase]

Seems more logical than funny. Not an insult btw.

[aldo]

Your mum is so stupid, she pissed herself when she found out she was locked in the RESTROOM.

[Fenristh]

That joke was so bad, I feel like taking one erect nipple, twisting it around my door keys, tying one end to my Playstation 3 and NOSE DIVING out of the window.

[angelvalentine]

That joke was so bad, I feel like taking one erect nipple, twisting it around my door keys, tying one end to my Playstation 3 and NOSE DIVING out of the window.


Holy shit that would hurtttt!!

[Devious]

Your mum is so stupid, she pissed herself when she found out she was locked in the RESTROOM.
Wow best your mom joke ever. Seriously.

Dante, what jokes do you find funny then?

[Allen Walker]

Womens rights

[Nagase]

Womens rights

I can see why your the forums favourite. :rolleyes:

[Fenristh]

Wow best your mom joke ever. Seriously.

Dante, what jokes do you find funny then?
Religion? That's pretty laughable. Homophobes, racists and anything Richard Pryoir said.

[Devious]

Religion? That's pretty laughable. Homophobes, racists and anything Richard Pryoir said.
Well then post some!

[elephant_lost]

From Richard Pryor:
(for j00 Dante <3)

"And it's the people you meet after you been drunk, that remember shit you don't remember: "Hey Rich, don't you remember that time we went out, we got fucked up, and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass? Don't you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up and went walking down the street with you? Don't you remember that? Man, you looked like a turd with a hat on."

[Fenristh]

AHAHAH Richard <333

[Misschoco]

I desire amusement. Post your funniest/cleverest jokes here. No puns plz. Or stupid ones.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
On his sheet were simply the words "What chair?"

ermm this is gona totally contradict what everyone said-but honestly i found it funny-my explanation??-i just did-*i have a weird sense of humor

[Devious]

ermm this is gona totally contradict what everyone said-but honestly i found it funny-my explanation??-i just did-*i have a weird sense of humor
Yeah I know, smart kid.

[Misschoco]

Yeah I know, smart kid.
jeez was i the only one who figured ^ :rolleyes:

[Halfmetal]

I found it amusing, also. I guess it's only a joke for intellects.

That being said:"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

[Clone of Shadows]

joke for intellectuals?, i dont think so i got it. it was easy to guess the anwser would be really simple.

[Misschoco]

try this :rolleyes:

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Fenristh]

I found it amusing, also. I guess it's only a joke for intellects.

Ahaha. :lol: I got the joke, it was just shit an unfunny. :/

[Clone of Shadows]

hay miss choco iv herad that one lol. on a dvd by a guy called jefro or somthing.

[Sidderz]

Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says "Oi mate. You're bard."

LOLZORS. Heard it on Doctor Who earlier.

[Sidderz]

What'd you call a guy in a swimming poll with no arms and no legs?

Bob. :cookie:

[Sidderz]

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey :cookie:



God I have endless amounts of shit jokes, LOL. Oh mah jeez. I just triple posted! :cookie:

[Fenristh]

Oh gawdz :aldo:

Those shit jokes weren't funny, I guess they're just for intellects. :aldo:

[Misschoco]

hay miss choco iv herad that one lol. on a dvd by a guy called jefro or somthing.
:aldo:

WOTZ ABOUTZ DIS

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[xThexNewxPrincex]

try this :rolleyes:

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Ahahahaha xDDD That's hilarious. I haven't heard that one before

[Misschoco]

Ahahahaha xDDD That's hilarious. I haven't heard that one before
for all ya'll sons of bitchez-yah it was a great joke llolz


may i propose another joke
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Fenristh]

LOL I like that one. I'd give anything to see that happen in real life ;;

[Clone of Shadows]

nice one misschoco lol

[Sidderz]

for all ya'll sons of bitchez-yah it was a great joke llolz


may i propose another joke
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Ahaha, that's great! That cop got owned. ^^;

[Sidderz]

Oh my god I can't believe I actually just laughed at:

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Spatula!

[Misschoco]

One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

When he got there he met God.

God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"

Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"

So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white.

Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.

Bill Gates choose Hell.


A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?"

God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

[Clone of Shadows]

haha i get it, u mean 360 games r shit right.

[Misschoco]

haha i get it, u mean 360 games r shit right.
precisely Microsoft-and their crappy software

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[Fenristh]

Oh my god I can't believe I actually just laughed at:

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Spatula!

Oh god, I laughed. :'(

[aldo]

You're so ugly that when your mother dropped you off at school, she was fined for littering. :aldo:

[Misschoco]

yo mamma so fat she makes free willy look like a tic tac.

[Fenristh]

^ ROFL

[Allen Walker]

I can see why your the forums favourite. :rolleyes:

Well the thread title reads "Jokes" and that was the first thing that came to mind :cunning:

[Fenristh]

I'm surprised no one has said Religion yet. I guess I'll be the first.

Religion LOL

[aldo]

HOMOPHOBIC, RELIGION-BLINDED, SEXIST PEOPLE. LOL :aldo:

[Fenristh]

Don't forget gangstaz :aldo:

[Allen Walker]

Penis 8=D ~~~

[Fenristh]

Don't mind if I do.

[aldo]

Sushi-vag. :aldo:

[Sidderz]

Yo momma is so old, when I told her to act her age - she died. LOL


One I laughed at retardedly in my science class before. I was the ONLY one who laughed. XD

[Clone of Shadows]

Yo momma is so old, when I told her to act her age - she died. LOL


One I laughed at retardedly in my science class before. I was the ONLY one who laughed. XD

not to worry i also laughed my head off lol

[aldo]

Yo momma is so old, when I told her to act her age - she died. LOL


One I laughed at retardedly in my science class before. I was the ONLY one who laughed. XD

That shit was funny.

Yo mama is so old, her social security number is 000000001

[Allen Walker]

"Yo momma so fat, she bleed syrup"

[aldo]

YO MAMA IS SO FAT, SHE USES A MATTRESS FOR A TAMPON.

[Allen Walker]

"Yo momma so hairy, she got afros on her nipples"

[Sidderz]

HOMOPHOBIC, RELIGION-BLINDED, SEXIST PEOPLE. LOL :aldo:

Couldn't of put it better myself.

Oh and I love Yow Momma jokes. :cookie:

[aldo]

YO MAMA IS SO STUPID, SHE TOOK AN HOUR TO MAKE MINUTE RICE.


YO MAMA IS SO STUPID, SHE ASKED FOR HELP IN HAMBURGER-HELPER.

[Sidderz]

What the hell: (LOL)

Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

[Misschoco]

ROFL ^

yo mama so I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."!

Yo mamma's so ugly, your daddy took her to work so he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo Mama so poor that when you asked what was for dinner yo mama put her foot on the table, pointed to her feet, and said "Corn"

:aldo:

[Sidderz]

^ ROFL

Yo momma so fat. End of. XD

[Halfmetal]

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama so fat she makes her own gravity.

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 5 one pound coins and it made a fiver!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a Mars Bar on the other side just to get her through.

[BloodMoonEmpress]

I saw my life pass before my eyes this morning, yep I was standing doing the dishes when I glanced up and saw a domino pizza delivery car go by. I fainted.
Lame yes but it’s all i could think of. Where is my brain? If you find it tell me please!

[Clone of Shadows]

sorry dont want to ruin ur fun, but ur mama jokes r sad.

[BloodMoonEmpress]

Yo mamma's like a hardware store, 50 cents a screw.

Yo momma is so old, when I told her to act her age - she died. LOL


One I laughed at retardedly in my science class before. I was the ONLY one who laughed. XD


I would have laughed too! A lot!:lol::nod:

[Misschoco]

i dont really mean this in offense-but it was quite lmao

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost.

She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?

[BloodMoonEmpress]

I desire amusement. Post your funniest/cleverest jokes here. No puns plz. Or stupid ones.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
On his sheet were simply the words "What chair?"






Oh I love it! couldn't stop laughing for a long time! My frickin sides still hurt! *wipes a tear away and says its beautiful* lol!

[aldo]

YO MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE THOUGHT PMS WAS A RADIO STATION.

[Sidderz]

Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!


:cookie:

[Thimien]

Why did the little girl fall of the swings?



Because she had no arms.

Ha HA Ha.......Ha

[Sidderz]

^ ROFL WTF! LOL

Would it be deemed unsuitable to post religious/Maddy McCann jokes here? LOL

[Thimien]

dont start getting dirty Sidders, once you go down that road, the jokes can provoke some people lol

[Sidderz]

So be it.










*palpatine* Jedi.








:cookie:

[Fenristh]

^ ROFL WTF! LOL

Would it be deemed unsuitable to post religious/Maddy McCann jokes here? LOL
How....? :lol:

[S-r-ex]

A Norwegian and a Swede is sitting in a bar. The swede is annoyingly chewing on a gum.
"Do you Norwegians eat the whole bread?" the Swede asked. "Of course!" the Norwegian replied.
"Not us" said the Swede, "We collect the crusts in a cointainer, reprocesses it and market it as croissants in Norway."
A little later he asks "What do you do with the peel of your fruits?" "We throw in in the compost" the Norwegian replied. "Not us" the Swede said, "We put it in a container where it is reprocessed before being marketed in Norway as jam"
Some minutes passes and the Norwegian asks "What do you do with used condoms?" "We throw them in the garbage, of course!" the Swede answers, a little shocked. "Not us, we throw them all in a container where it is reprocessed and sold to Sweden as chewing gum."

Nuff said...

[Devious]

A Norwegian and a Swede is sitting in a bar. The swede is annoyingly chewing on a gum.
"Do you Norwegians eat the whole bread?" the Swede asked. "Of course!" the Norwegian replied.
"Not us" said the Swede, "We collect the crusts in a cointainer, reprocesses it and market it as croissants in Norway."
A little later he asks "What do you do with the peel of your fruits?" "We throw in in the compost" the Norwegian replied. "Not us" the Swede said, "We put it in a container where it is reprocessed before being marketed in Norway as jam"
Some minutes passes and the Norwegian asks "What do you do with used condoms?" "We throw them in the garbage, of course!" the Swede answers, a little shocked. "Not us, we throw them all in a container where it is reprocessed and sold to Sweden as chewing gum."

Nuff said...
lawl that's great.

[Misschoco]

A Norwegian and a Swede is sitting in a bar. The swede is annoyingly chewing on a gum.
"Do you Norwegians eat the whole bread?" the Swede asked. "Of course!" the Norwegian replied.
"Not us" said the Swede, "We collect the crusts in a cointainer, reprocesses it and market it as croissants in Norway."
A little later he asks "What do you do with the peel of your fruits?" "We throw in in the compost" the Norwegian replied. "Not us" the Swede said, "We put it in a container where it is reprocessed before being marketed in Norway as jam"
Some minutes passes and the Norwegian asks "What do you do with used condoms?" "We throw them in the garbage, of course!" the Swede answers, a little shocked. "Not us, we throw them all in a container where it is reprocessed and sold to Sweden as chewing gum."

Nuff said...

LMAO

TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY SOMEONE-you could categorize it as a joke

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

[Clone of Shadows]

rofl that was really funny

[Misschoco]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."


lawlz senile puberty :aldo:

[Devious]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."


lawlz senile puberty :aldo:
:lol::lol::lol::lol: I've heard that one a before, but I forgot the punchline so it's still funny.

neways, here's the complete 101 ways to annoy people, as posted by misschoco

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[Misschoco]

:lol::lol::lol::lol: I've heard that one a before, but I forgot the punchline so it's still funny.

neways, here's the complete 101 ways to annoy people, as posted by misschoco

lolz it took ages to read-and yes i did read all 101

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

nah maybe not as LMAO as the others :rolleyes:

[Fenristh]

:lol::lol::lol::lol: I've heard that one a before, but I forgot the punchline so it's still funny.

neways, here's the complete 101 ways to annoy people, as posted by misschoco

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
stfu .

[Halfmetal]

I already do number 16 a lot.

[Misschoco]

I already do number 16 a lot.
i do 24,30,34,41,85, almost every day :aldo:


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

probz not to LMAO :rolleyes:

[darwin4127]

"it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye"
then it's hilarious

[Misschoco]

"it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye"
then it's hilarious
omfg :w00t: *points to sig*

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."